Fun (Disturbing?) Midsummer Exercise

[RegisteredUconn]

So I've decided to get into the documentary business and I thought I'd start out with a screenplay about UConn's first day of practice. Obviously I have little (as in none) first-hand knowledge so this will have to be a new film-making genre. "Fictional documentaries" I'm calling them. Anyhoo, I ran into a slight case of writers block and I came up with an idea almost as brilliant as my original, now-stalled, one. Why not open things up to my buds here on the forum? They're a semi-lucid if lackluster bunch. There's a very slight chance (you know, blind pigs and acorns type possibility) one of them might come up with something I can plagiarize. So what do you say, gang, can anybody help a down-and-out, well-meaning-if otherwise-ineffective, fellow-traveler over a rough patch (ideas and/or drugs both accepted with equal gratitude). No actual remuneration involved of course, but I promise I'll earnestly lobby to get you an associate producer credit in the final product. Serious replies only, please. Here's what I've got so far.


Coach Auriemma blows his whistle.

Geno: All right, let's get started. Anybody got any of those...you know, what are they called?

Stewie: Balls Coach?

Geno: Right. Balls.

Geno (to CD): That girl's got the highest basketball IQ I ever saw.

CD: They'll be right out Coach. The guys are still deflating them...or do we need to over-inflate them? I forget. Can we start with something else first?

Geno: Right. Morgan, there's a chair over there. See how long you can hold it scoreless.

Morgan: I'm still warming up, Coach. Can I start with that stool instead?

Geno (to self): Eye yi yi yi freaking yi! Whatever possessed me to go into WOMEN'S basketball?

Geno: Where's that new chick? Katie or Lou or Katie Lou Samuelsomebody?

Napheesa: She's still in the locker room, Coach.

Geno: Why?

Napheesa: She wants to make sure Kaleena is really gone. Something about every time Kaleena came back to Mater Dei to visit she tried to mess with Lou's shot. Kaleena kept putting her are around Lou's shoulder saying how everybody said she had the sweetest stroke they ever saw.

Geno (to CD once he finally stopped shaking his head): Who are all those people in the stands?

CD: I recognize Jim Jabir and Karen Aston. I don't know them all. That's Muffet in the hat and shades. There's Walz in the red and white checked shirt...

Geno: That's Jeff? I thought they were setting up tables for lunch. What are they doing here?

CD: Doris Burke's been selling tickets. She's been plugging our practices on the air for years. I guess she just decided no reason not to make a buck.

 

[Sonny44]

Now that KML is gone we have no 90% free throw shooter, so your playing time will be directly proportional to your free throw percentage. - GA
There will be no more timeouts with less than 25 seconds in the halves as you guys are totally incompetent in scoring during such. - GA

 

[johnnyc]

It needs something....intrigue? Hmmm......let me see.....okay got it. Just add Holly Warlick hired by the SEC to spy on Geno working as security and wearing an orange security vest.

 

[meyers7]

I like, except I doubt they start out the first practice with basketballs. I imagine there's quite a bit of "conditioning" going on right at the beginning.

 

[RegisteredUconn]

I like, except I doubt they start out the first practice with basketballs. I imagine there's quite a bit of "conditioning" going on right at the beginning.

Wow, that's my big miss? Things are going better than I thought. If anybody needs me for the next several (dozen) hours, I'll be at the pub.

 

[RegisteredUconn]

Oh boy, is this great! (Here's the video for those of you who can't read )

Here are the additions so far.

Geno: Where the heck is Samuelsomebody? Security!
CD: Geno, what are you doing?
Geno: I'm sending security down to the lockers to get that new kid. Geez, we better not have another Della Donne on our hands.
CD: That's not security, that's Holly Warlick in her Volunteer vest. You let her in the locker room and she'll report us to the NCAA for sure.
Geno: For what?!?!
CD: Doesn't matter, she'll make something up. The towels are too fluffy or not enough excrement in the toilets.

Geno takes a look around the gym. The team looks like tryouts for Cirque du Soleil before they got famous. Kids are checking out how different color laces look in their sneakers, Soniya is attempting a handstand, Kia Nurse is diligently studying the Boneyard on her iPhone.

Kia: Guys, check this out! Some moronski is posting about something he's calling a "fictional documentary."
Gabby (interrupting her own riotous laughter mid-snort): Who?
Kia: I have no idea but from his avatar he looks like one of those bears nobody can stand.
MoJeff (to Saniya): Saniya, I'm telling you, even if you could do a handstand, which you can't, the judges won't put you through to the next round on America's Got Talent.
Geno (to CD): What the H is going on? The thing that kept us on the plus side of 50% foul shooting the last four years has just graduated and these guys look life the remnants of a kite flying contest after a cat 5 tornado.
Geno: OK, guys, bring it in. If you only ever learn one thing from me I want it to be this. Twenty seconds left in the half, we've got the ball, what do we do?

The team looks like a kindergarten enjoying story time while practicing their yoga cobbler's pose until Courtney half-raises her hand.

Geno (pointing to Ekmark): You, the walk-on, what's your name?
Courtney: Courtney Ekmark, Coach.
Geno (to CD): Is she telling me the truth?
Geno (again to CD when she nods): I used to have an Ekmark printer.
CD: That was a Lexmark, Geno.
Geno: Right...OK, Lexmark was it? What do we do?
Courtney: Call timeout, Coach?
Geno (screaming): WRONG!! Wrong, wrong, wrong! That's exactly what we DON'T do! Do you have narcolepsy or something? How long have you been asleep, exactly? Every time we call a timeout with under 25 seconds to go in the half, no matter what play I call, we never, never, NEVER get a shot off. From now on, whoever has the ball when the game clock strikes 24, just heave the ball at the basket. I don't care if your back is to the basket, just throw it over your shoulder. I don't care what happens but by God we're going to get a shot off. OK, hit the showers. Let me know how those new towels feel.